I decided to let some emotion clear before I moved onto the third part of this series. I’ve had another long night and day of analyzing what I want out of a new place to live…a long few days of sad and intense thoughts mixed with processing breathtaking visuals right in front of me. Maybe everything is just so pretty… that it plummets you into deep thought… Probably not. A long walk through a rainforest to figure out this stuff… step by step.. racing thought after the next.

I am preparing to make a little bit of a leap in this short life. I need a change. I’ve accepted that I’m not moving back home to Atlanta, GA… but I am moving back to the states. I’ve met so many people that have lived all over the world and others that have decided to permanently live here in NZ and Australia. Yeah, visa this or visa that.. I could make it happen if I wanted to. I think I would enjoy life over here.. I think I would miss my loved ones too much. I’d like to still be in a days driving distance of these people. I’d like to be able to remain a son, brother, cousin, or friend. I’d like to be an uncle for my brother one day. I would like to raise a family in the states one day. I would like to give back to America and figure out where my role is in the “helping other people” world. I first… need to figure out the capacity that Zack has to help in that world.

The top things going on through my head the past couple days have been breaking up with Atlanta, feeling like a failure/quitter in many aspects of my life, and what type of life I want to live when I return.

Breaking up with Atlanta and my people is what it feels like I am doing. I feel like I am giving up on some people by leaving(even though they probably don’t view it this way… this is just how I feel). I am preparing to say bye to people who have lifted me up over the years.. who have loved on me.. and believed in me. I’m not so much worried of leaving the things I like to do in Atlanta behind… concerts, parks, restaurants, braves, etc.. I can get those in different variations wherever I go. But I do lose a family in a sense. I have been blessed to create many friendships. I have been able to easily see family often.. who also love to see me… that won’t be so easy logistically moving forward. I am sad to see this chapter of friends getting married and having babies all around me unfold. My life has completely changed in such a short period of time. I need to change it up just a little more so that I don’t fall back into old patterns… Zack wants to explore other places while he still can.. go ahead and do it now.
I feel like I’ve failed… shoot… I have failed at several things. Some of it is a self-doubt and self-hatred talk that takes a hold of me every now and then.. but then the truth is.. that I know I have caused a lot of the turmoil I experience in my life. I feel immense failure in my efforts with A Friend in Me… and I have to remind myself that I don’t have a clue who might have been touched by anything that was produced from it. I have to remind myself that there are kids down at my high school who have created their own A Friend in Me club. When I think about that part of A Friend in Me.. it fills me with loads of emotion. My efforts did something I guess and it’s starting in place where I love the people and just knowing that someone may be getting a chance to speak up sooner than later..allows me to see that.. me speaking up.. was worth it. Overall. I do understand the power of ripple effects by someone showcasing courage and vulnerability. When I finally felt like I was on my feet and was able to do it… I definitely wasn’t ready.. I wasn’t healed. But if I didn’t take advantage of the bit if courage that I had at the time to share my experiences back then… then who knows if it would ever come out of me. I jumped. I should be proud of myself for that. But the jump came with a cost. I was struggling with my spirituality..I was struggling with my relationships and career. I wasn’t taking care of Zack. I was diving into a heavy world and by doing that it was unlocking core traumas and exposing myself to other peoples traumas. I began to crumble. I forgot to be a husband. I lost control in all of it. Pause. Unpause. I started a masters program and now I’ve already exited it.. quit. I understand the circumstances and the timing of it all.. but cmon.. I started yet another thing without finishing it. I failed at Marriage.. and what is one of my top goals I want to achieve in life.. to create a family. I ruined that. I started with an intention of helping and ended up hurting.. others.. and myself.
I feel like there are people who wish I would go away and that I would just shut the fuck up. That I would stop talking about suicide and making everyone around me uncomfortable. Even though.. I know that talking about suicide is one of the core steps in preventing it! I know that sometimes it’s the people you least expect that to need to hear it. Putting yourself out there in the helping other people world.. is just tough. I though I could handle it..but I might be too damaged of a person to help. I don’t want to close up but I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to cut off contact with all people and never put myself out there again. It brings out so much. But I’m not giving up. Like I said earlier… I just have to figure out a safer way for myself to do it. It will never be easy and that is always going to be my price to pay.. but my purpose is to not let my experiences go to waste and help others. I will not give up. It is a sacrifice. So.. making this jump to another city where I start from scratch… is both exciting and scary at the same time. What do I really have to lose though. I want to be happy.. I want to find peace.. I don’t want to limit my options to achieve them. I want to see what all is out there.. so I’m going. One day I’m convinced that so and so city is right for me.. then do enough research and talk myself out of it for this or that reason. The two main reasons are usually distance to the southeast or lack of access to nature. I feel like I’ve been all over the place in my list of where I want to live. There are about 4 places that keep coming back to mind. I like Boston, Colorado, Austin, and Oregon. I don’t think it would be Portland. Being around this rainforest and all of the green reminds me so much of the woods in the PNW that it’s started to pull me across the country. I’ve seen just about every big city in the states and I’ve seen about 75% of our national parks. I love the PNW scenery the most.but it’s far. I like a city with arts..culture.. diversity.. and access to the outdoors. I like small cities in pretty places but that limits me for work opportunities and opportunities to meet all types of people. I like NYC but I think it would eat me alive.. knowing my vices.. the speed of it. Since I’ll be selecting a place to live before I start searching for a job I need to pick a place with opportunity. I know the skill set I have.. I know what I’m capable of.. but even the best candidates can have a hard time landing a job in small towns.. because well… there are no positions open in what they are trying to do. If I was the only medical device sales rep in Jackson Hole you could bet your ass that I would hold onto that job for the rest of my life. Hoping this all makes sense. I am making a decision within the week and then I’m scouting out work.. accommodation.. and making moves toward uprooting my life and I’m headed out. I think my life is already uprooted enough.. what’s one more thing to add on top of it.